When I step back (as an observer) and I examine my life, I see the challenge of eliminating excess weight as my greatest catalyst of personal growth. By acknowledging my weight issue as a gift and a blessing, I can see the love in it all and begin to love myself for my entire journey (even the painful moments) because it has been one of so much self-discovery.
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BEFORE
November 1993
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AFTER
August 2003
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I hold my thoughts about my body in a container of total love. That has changed everything. The beginning of this major shift in my attitude was when a very dear friend, Rick, turned to me after a weekend of indulging in foods that made me feel physically ill and said, “How loving are you being with yourself?”
Over the years I had managed to diet and eat myself up to 428 pounds.Morbid Obesity brought with it many ailments. Even choosing to undergo weight loss surgery and loosing over 200 pounds turned out to be only a temporary fix. Within five years, my weight had climbed back up 120 pounds. It was not until I began to change the unloving manner in which I thought, felt and acted toward my body did it begin to release the excess weight and become chemically balanced. My cells were simply responding to all the negative beliefs and unhealthy habits in which I was consciously and unconsciously choosing to engage.
Around the same time I met Dr. Chuck Greenwood, who explained that every cell in our body has intelligence. What we say, think and do affects our biology because our cells respond to what is being communicated. With advanced technology we are able to measure the effects we have on our bodies, not only by what we ingest, expose or subject them to, but by what is going on in our minds.
In the past, I unconsciously ate spicy, greasy foods that upset my stomach. I was not being loving to my body’s cells. My impulses still do not consider the consequences of my choices. Now, I consciously make an effort to make loving choices by first eliminating foods that make me ill. This is how I came up with the “Two Time Rule”, in which I first ask myself, “What do I want?” (our mind), and next asking, “What do we want?” (the “we” meaning our entire body). It allows a wiser, more loving option to make itself known before choosing unaware. This is an effective technique for many compulsive behaviors.
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I began another behavioral change at that time. I no longer allowed myself to speak un-lovingly about myself and my body. In the past I would make jokes about my weight. I allowed my mind to make me wrong because of my physical size. Many of us try to convince ourselves to exercise and eat properly, so that we can look and feel good. We call it will-power and discipline. I realized that those two things, will-power and discipline, were real buttons for my controlling mind. Therefore, I needed to figure out a way around them. So each morning I remind myself, “Today I will make the most loving choices for my cells.” I ask myself, “How can I be loving to my muscles, organs, tissues, bones and blood?” The answer is to exercise them and feed them what they need. I added into my life, vitamins, nutrients, more water and consistent exercise, choosing different forms of cardio, core exercises and resistance training. Another big change was refusing to eat when I got upset. This was why I had stomach problems since my early teens. Since it makes me feel wonderful and look better, my desire is to take loving care of my cells. I still enjoy chocolate and other goodies. The difference is that I am ingesting them in a loving conscious fashion, rather then not paying attention and using food as a diversion. I am in that moment. I no longer feed my feelings and stuff my emotions down with food. I feel them, instead. I express them responsibly. After learning that every cell in the body has intelligence, I took the next significant step. I learned to choose from a state of awareness what “we want to eat,” no matter what that food is, and not attach negative thoughts to it. I actually learned to bless the food and tell it that I am offering it to my body as nourishment and that whatever is not needed is to be discarded as waste. This is the opposite of, “Oh my, this is so fattening, it’s going straight to my thighs,” which amounts to precise instructions to the cells as to what to do with the food. Therefore, it makes total sense to me that people of some cultures eat foods that would make many of us very ill. Just the thought of eating these foods makes us feel nauseous (a physical response by our cells, from only the thought of ingesting the undesirable food).
As time goes on, having loving thoughts about my body becomes more of my conscious state of being. However, please understand that sometimes maintaining my thoughts about my body, in a loving posture, can be a moment-to-moment process. I am able to recognize those moments in which I am allowing my mind to engage in unloving, judgmental, chatter. My energy level lowers, and I begin to feel frustrated toward myself and others. In those moments, I must utilize my tools. One quick effective tool is:
(1) I stop!
(2) Take several deep breaths!!
(3) Begin the following mantra (in my head): “I am Love”
(4) While saying the mantra. I continue taking deep breaths until I begin to feel calm and centered again.
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